My writing isn’t the best but jotted this down.
In truth,I only ever let a handful of people in. I don’t have room for all the baggage that comes with having mountains of friends. I don’t have the time to give to each and everyone of them. It’s great to have hundreds upon hundreds of friends but it’s quality over quantity for me. The time I can give to them matters a lot.
When it comes to her though, I would happily let her in. There’s something about her I can’t explain. She isn’t the kind of person I would want to keep a friend. I’d be her friend if she wanted but that’s the thing right? When you know someone’s perfect, even with their imperfections. When you actually feel towards someone it’s a matter of seeing them smile and seeing that look in their eyes that let’s you know how they feel. It’s those words that can cut so deep you forgot that you could feel that way. The way it feels to almost have that stab and then it pierces. You don’t realize it till you look into her eyes and know what you’ve done. It grows worse when the words she says cuts even deeper. It’s a wound that you just don’t grasp and so you can’t close it. “You must be a liar, you lie to one person, whose to say you don’t lie to me.”
It’s those words when you know yourself you opened yourself so far that people have never seen or heard that part of your life. The parts that make it seem like you pulled it out of a film. The parts that make it seem like it could all be an elaborate lie. It’s all true though and because you lied once, you shot yourself basically. It’s a lesson when you know that all you had to do was say nothing or say the truth. That’s her beauty though, she forces you to be a better person. She’s not teaching you directly like someone holding your hand. She’s teaching you by showing you, that lying is just something she doesn’t want you to do. Even when you’ve promised to her you won’t lie to her, what’s to say that wasn’t a false promise?
Life is a pain. Sure. Life sucks. Sure. There are people where everything is all golden, there’s thousands, millions who are happy. Then there is what feels like you, on your own. Your not even counted as hers yet but you count her as yours. Not in a possessive or item way. In the way that you don’t look at another in any way and what she says dives deep.
In your worst part of your life you lost everyone because you wanted the easy way out. Along comes this…girl. This lady. Who against all odds of you fighting emotions, trying not to fall, knowing you’ve never fallen and you keep this ‘badass’ demeanour, you fell. You fell hard. She caught you and smiled and you melted right through her arms and laid at her feet. Staring up at this perfect beauty.
What else is there to say other than she’s been the best thing you’ve seen and had the chance to know in years? All in a moment everything could vanish but you don’t care. Your living in that moment. She’s this girl that presents you with that positive outlook, she makes you have that. She doesn’t know it but that’s her beauty. Then in a flash, because of your missteps, because of your insecurities. Because of your lack of trust in people, you lie.
The one thing she hates and it dives. She’s displeased and all you can do is stand. Stand and stare. It’s like the world has come crashing down. All those moments you could stand and make up crap. recover from any stumble and here you stand, like a total idiot. Your mind fails you and all your left with is standing with your heart in hand. Begging it can say something on behalf of your mind. Begging that in a single sentence, a paragraph, a book; you could make this all better. You can’t though. Everything fails and all you have is feelings. You have only feelings. You can’t speak and you can only muster the words to say “I don’t know what to say.” What a stupid line. A stupid thing to say. She asks “why? Why’d you lie?” and you can’t even tell her. You just stand there and say the one thing people hate, “I don’t know.” Nobody likes that line. People want answers but for a Mr. know it all. Mr. Smartass. Words fail you so fast. Then she walks away. All you can do is stand and stare. You saw those eyes. Those eyes that looked so disappointed at you for the first time. For the first time in a long time you feel that stabbing pain, your eyes start to relate to that pain and you decide to stand and recover, hoping it’ll fade. It wasn’t a fight, it was the first time she was disappointed in you. It was in that moment you couldn’t possible do anything but feel helpless. You couldn’t speak to anyone because no one could possibly make you feel better. You want to say something via text but can’t (because hey, that’s how people apologies these days). All you wanted to do was just say “I am sorry.” but that’s not good enough. That’s pathetic. You want to tell her a million things but she’s left. She’s gone.
There you stand. Alone. Like always. That feeling so real. That loneliness sinking in. You realize the comfort she’s given you, that smile and eyes gave you. The comfort her heart gave you. You can’t explain it. You don’t want to explain it. There you stand though. Alone. Again. This time, begging that you could wake up from this. It’s not going to happen. This wasn’t a dream. This was exactly as it is. You’re flaws shine through and you can’t hide them. You’re standing, alone. All you want to do is turn back the clock and redo everything. That’s all.